


Missyfixed

by ShawnMorgan



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3603354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShawnMorgan/pseuds/ShawnMorgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when a Time Lord breaks out of a fan fic called 'MIssyfit' and dives back in to trya and bugger about with it....Then the rest  of the cast end up following suit. In a story even less serious than Missy Fic and with a guest appearance from marvel characters.</p><p>With occasional snark (also occassional) agreement between author and Missy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missyfixed

 

(M) Hello to all of you over there in the 'Tragic of Touchwood' yes yes, I know it's not correct but really naming a group after a bunch of losers? And factoring in another bunch of losers? Well at least scar boy, the ginger whinger and little miss I'm so ace as a girly Mary Sue self insert (*Retch*)

Still, it might have been worse. You might have been Unit! Now let's all hold hands and skip through the fields singing.. I wasn't serious damnit Rhodri! Don't make me use my laser screwdriver!!

 

Author's note: Okay, this classifies as a rattler. By that I mean something I rattle off in my spare writing time. With it being November, I'm mostly concentrating on Nanowrimomonth although if this is rated as crap, I’ll overhaul it at a later date. Note that this is chapter one of an intended three or four.

Edit. Missy has re-entred the fanfic.. In order to avoid confusion, I'm highlighting her stuff in blue. edit for A03 if it has (M) after it it;s her

“I rate it as crap!” (M)

Shut up Missy, you don't get a vote. (A)

“I can disintegrate you you know..” (M)

And then you never get a sequel or see what I put Captain Jack shirtless through. (A)

“That's captain Jack pants less.” (A)

Look, we're both right, Okay. Besidess, I agree that ol' grumpy face should have accepted your gift. (A)

Well, fine Mr. wannabe author, get on with it. (M)  
   
Blue light coruscated around her and she deflated as she realised that the Doctor hadn't actually fired the lethal shot. She was in two minds about that. As much as she wanted to live, Missy had decided that the Doctor actually firing in itself would have been a victory. Oh well, maybe next time.

“Oooh, it coruscated.. fancy words.. “ (M)

 

She woke up with a pounding headache and clutched her head. She cursed expertly, She had so very nearly had him. It had shown in the doctor's eyes that he was falling to her manipulation. Once he admitted how right she was and that they were basically the same, their friendship could be renewed. But oh no, another sanctimonious self sacrificing soldier type had thwarted her.

"What IS it with you and pounding headaches anyway!?" (M)

"cough." (A)

 

She rolled her eyes and considered how well Danny Pink would have fitted right in with UNIT. It was like having that uniformed cretin, the Brigadier regenerate. Had she known who it was that shot her with the teleport containment bolt, her screams would have been heard on Gallifrey one universe over. She briefly wondered why the doctor had grown up disliking toy soldiers and then gone and collected so many. 

They fell down like toy soldiers, hard to decide which ones actually had woodworm...

“And then after collecting a full, set he goes an spurns mine as a gift!” she muttered, “and his break so easily too. Men!” (I'll remember that...)

“Tell me about it” Responded a voice, rich with American drawl.”  
“[Edited]” cursed Missy recognising that voice immediately. 

{$%£!!!@!!! Jack} (M)

 

* * *

Kate (Let's go fly a Kate.. dropped with tremendous hate.....(M)) Stewart propped herself up but didn't try to rise any further as she was still groggy and confused. Her training kicked in though and she took stock of her surroundings. She looked up and recent memories flooded back. She;d fallen from the plane and then... her father had risen form the grave, (Frickin' copycat, that's my job) wearing shining armour and flown to her rescue shortly before coming to the aid of the the mad alien scientist (I approve) they were allied with.

 

She shook her head at the ridiculous thought, then recalled that the scientist was 'The Doctor' and considering anything around him to be ridiculous was well, ridiculous. It was ridiculous that she'd survived but there it was. For I was here and surviving and whilst this blasted thing is a fixed point in time, I have a screwdriver... 

Kate looked up at the sky, then over at the Doctor. She opened her mouth to say something but saw the sad look in his eyes as he guarded Clara Oswald and she decided to remain quiet. She watched on as he guided her home and she watched the Tardis dematerialise even as UNIT soldiers took up defensive positions around her, having homed in on her locator signal.

She held up one hand as one of her people started to assist her up and she pointed at where compressed earth left the telltale sign of the Tardis's presence. {Mostly cos it's smelly}

“He'll be back shortly I think. There are questions on both sides.”

“Very well ma'am. We're more than willing to set up triage with you here but we are checking you over.”

“And if I say 'no'?”

“Then you can court martial me later. Besides, right now as your doctor, I outrank you. A fall from that height -”  
Kate was about to say something sarcastic about doctors and orders but she was halted by a familiar wheezing and groaning sound 

{would that be The late Osgood and her inhaler then?} (M)

The Doctor scanned the area and furrowed his brow, an act with his current eyebrows made him look like he'd start drilling for victory. Then he strode over to her and knelt down. Completely ignoring the medical professional next to her (which amused her slightly) and all his protests, he foraged in his pockets and snapped out the sonic screwdriver and whirred it around her.  
   
“High adrenaline, shock, anger, wants to find and annihilate Missy. The findings are conclusive.”  
“That she's a Leithbridge-Stewart?” said the field medic beside him.

(Firing NOW!) (M)

(OI!) Author uses fourth wall breaking Power to stops Missy* and throws Deadpool at her. 

Dude, I'm not even connect to this universe! ...wait shouldn't this be in yellow like it was in the original edit? (DP)

(Yes you are, Marvel produce Doctor who Monthly...) (A)

...Oh, hey! Star Wars Deadpool and Dr who crossover.. (DP)

I concede! Get rid. One immortal undying freak is enough! (M)

Oohhh!!! she thinks in little blue Boxes... (DP which also don't show up.. awwww... (DP)

Alright MIssy, which one do you want me to keep? (A)

Rassilon's bra and panties... I Can't believe I'm saying this... Jack... (M)

Rassilon regenerated into female form too? (A)

Um... nope. But I released the incriminating video anyway... (M)

Goodbye Deadpool. *Teleports Deadpool away.* (A)

See you at Squirrel Girl! (DP)

But she's not in this... (M)

Had to get rid of him anyway reading his font was getting annoying. (A)

 

(Then I commenced the emergency rewrite... issy's scredriver fired as she hacked her own timeline but being the author I declared it a fixed point in time. Very quickly too since she looks royally pissed.. Myself to be immune to Missy any and everything in this ficverse.. Wewth I cut it close!) A)

The Doctor smiled at the UNIT doctor. “I think I actually like you. Kate, can you walk now?”

She nodded and rose slowly and carefully, first she studied the sky, the wonderful blue clear sky. She thought carefully and then asked the same question her father had asked after any engagement. {How crap were we this time?}

“Who did we lose, I know it's pointless to hope you're going to say 'no one' but I'm going to anyway.”

The Doctor studied her closely and in that moment his affection and admiration of her family leaped. He really wished he had better news. His adopted thick Scottish burr carried his words so easily. “We lost Osgood. I'm sorry, Missy murdered her.” {Bananas!}  
   
Kate leaned back on a grave stone and sighed with grief. “I thought I felt a light go out on this planet.” She wanted to cry but there was a time and place for that and this was not it.  
   
“There be hope for her yet, I detected-”

“Don't. And don't tell me you don't understand what I mean. We both know what you're trying to do here and whilst appreciated, it won't work.”

“I am truly Sorry.”  
   
“Don't be sorry for trying to find hope.” Kate held his gaze and thought what to say next. Then it occurred to her that her father's words of wisdom seemed appropriate. “He saw you as such kindred spirits in many ways. Two halves of the same coin.”

“Really now.”

“While he was stuck mourning casualties after engagements, you were remembering every loss, investigating every name and holding their names in your hearts. He was envious of that, said that if he did it in his position that it would drive him insane and that he'd have to resign.”

“He did resign.”

“Yes but in the right way due to old age and after he went he looked up every soldier he'd lost and drank to their memory.”

“I never knew.”

“He took on so many burdens so others wouldn't have to. Especially you. And this is where I tell you his greatest ever regret doctor, the one burden he took knowing full well what it would cost him and how it would strain your friendship; The Silurian incident.” {Bloody typical, the one time I'd clap and he was all teary eyed over it. Ugh.}

The Doctor's head jerked back and Kate regarded him sadly. “My father knew that when the communications tap reached conventional avenues of power they'd order complete annihilation. He acted first.”

“Taking the impossible decision, so no one had to...” The Doctor looked up. He saluted the empty sky. When he turned around Kate was smiling not entirely sadly.

“What?”

“My father left you something in his will for me to deliver to you from him when I thought it appropriate, Now seems good.”

“What is it?”

“Men and women of Unit! Atten-hut!” All of them came to attention, Kate included.

“Oh no no no no no,” said the doctor guessing what was coming.

Kate grinned wider “Sa-lute!” everyone saluted. The doctor groaned theatrically. {I must remember to salute 'Mr prez'}

* * *

“Captain Jack Sparrow, no wait , his name was Harkness, that was it, Harkness, not Sparrow nor Scarlet neither. What was he thinking about again. Oh, that was right, he was here investigating how Torchwood had fallen victim to those foul mechanical monstrosities with their hypnotic chant. Even now he was compelled to sing it. 'Tinky winky' 'La-la'....”

'There was the sound very much like an umbrella hitting him in the face. He looked up, there was a woman standing in front of him, who ha just hit him with an umbrella and he decided that that Umbrella hitting him in the face was the reason for the sound of-'

 

“For pity's sake, you moron! Stop narrating everything that's going on!” snarled Missy, who, after realising she wasn't alone had made the grievous error of going closer to the man who'd spoken. She'd whimpered when she realised who it was. All her temporal senses had flared and she backed away. Then she realised something worse than Jack the freak breaking temporal reality; He would end up flirting with her. It wasn't made any better by the recollection that he would have done so either gender form. {When we're finished here mr author boy you and I are going to have aloooong talk abut this}

“Maybe I was too harsh,' said Missy thinking fast. 'after all, the abstinence league do tell us to be tolerant of other people's foibles. For, unlike the celibate ladies and gentlemen of the league-”

“Abstinence? Celibate?” Whispered a horrified jack, now trying to shuffle backwards and curl up against the wall.

Missy looked again and thought that the 'mistake' would do better if there was an actual wall there. He just got worse, Now he was a mime! Was there no end to his evil? {Smartarse} (M)

She shook her head. She didn't mind being insane. She did mind being stupid. That last thought was a stupid one. She breathed deeply and walked away from him and went round the first corner, where she found a couch and sat down.

She started to think things through. As with the doctor, her mind raced through calculations and arrived at the correct conclusion. The Accursed Brigadier had interfered again. The resultant scream was heard on Gallifey. {What... You-You-You--- utter utter} (M)

*Smug grin* (A)

 

Usha shook his (sic) head wearily, sympathising with the Master for once. 

 Back in the detention facility Missy's face burned. Forcing herself calm, she realised it was quiet in her mind. She looked around around and listened carefully. There was nothing. No telepathic signals, no drums, no radio chatter. She gripped the arm of the couch as she realised she was finally free, her mind was her own. And it terrified her.

 

Trembling she sat down, the realisation that there was no one else's commands or thoughts left in her mind. It was all her own after so very long... she had no else to blame, not one else to fear in her mind. Every thing from here on everything was her on her. All fault, all evil, all schemes. She had no one else to blame. Bit by tiny bit, everything came back to her, everything she'd done. She forced herself to breathe deeply, then centred herself.  
With all the filters removed, it would be slow going. She smiled though, for much of the information returning from the depths of her tortured memory attacked her on Masculine grounds.  
'Attacking my manhood is it now? Well, that's convenient,' She thought, 'what a shame that whoever designed this place didn't anticipate this little development. Then again, neither did I.'  
She smiled. At long last, I am the Master... oops. Mistress.

Back on Gallifrey, {Who named this frickin planet???} (M) Usha checked his instruments again. He shrugged, curious as to what his old sparring partner would do. He'd never admit it. but he did like Koschei and whatisname. He grinned at the latter name and realised that the doctor's little psychic block on thinking his name was still intact, even after Millenia of use.  
The Raja smiled as an idea for a genetic experiment came to mind. And all he had to do to commence it, was escape the Time locked parallel parked, one universe over Gallifrey, without being detected by Daleks or Time Lords. Then find the Mistress and gain entry to her Unbreachable prison.  
“But first, Lunch!” he proclaimed. His assistant looked up.  
“You're actually going to do this aren't you?” she asked.  
“Yes, Romana, of course I am. I'm hungry.”  
“I meant the Great Escape.” {Do-do, dee do dee do do... da-da, da-dada, ta da...doop, doopy doo...}  
The Raja on cue started whistling the ancient tune. He had to give humans credit, their music was reasonably good. Except rap. No mercy there. Ever. {Nyah, can't have ago at me, he did it too} (M)  
{She's right you know} (TR)

(Wait, you can see this going on too Rani?) (A)  
Oi, dozy, you gave a Time Lord fourth wall powers. And we're all telepathic. Now get back to the plot! (Rom)  
I think I've finally lost it... Roman;s at it too now... even chose her own darn colour...(A)  
Here you go... (M)  
Self insert of author whimpering... (AA)  
Why is it in Green? (TR)  
Oh, that's a homage to his political leanings. (M)  
(Ab)normal service will now be resumed; Or else. Back to Raja and Romana discussing escape.

Romana looked sceptical. “And all you have to do is travel the route laid out for you by a regendered insane Time Lord.” Romana was giving him that look.  
The Raja returned it. “No, I'm tracking the master, not Jenny.” The Raja smirked.  
Romana raised an eyebrow at something he'd just said. “How'd you do that?”  
“Well first you activate the Temporal-”  
“Not that.” she cut him off quickly, decades of experience having clued her in. Give a Time Lord with a bit of an ego an opening and they could not resist playing to their crowd. And as egos went, The Doctor the Mistress and the Raja had quite large ones. She even had gained a bit of one herself. {Mistress???}  
“What then?” Asked the Raja in a peeved tone.  
Pronounce words like 'master' so we can actually hear the lower case 'M'. {Mistress???} (M)  
The Raja smiled with some actual warmth, “The doctor taught me when we were dating. Back in 9446 A.D on Earth.”  
“I remember that.. the date of the great Human gender switch....”  
“And then he made me put them all back how I'd found them: Spoilsport.”  
It clicked for Romana then. She started singing “The Doctor and the Rani sitting in a tree K-i-...”  
“I still have that gun you know.”  
“i-l-t-i-n-g up on tv...”  
“Nice save.”

{Mistress!??? Right you, now that we have the pargraph break...} (M)

{  
You'd prefer 'Mattress?' (A)  
...Point... (M)

***  
'Jack sat, then he stood, then tried to do both at the same time. He knew he was insane so he tried doing obviously insane things. What worried him as he tried to sit and stand at the same time was that he somehow succeeded. It hurt his head so he lay down.'  
As he stopped narrating and lay down, he started checking on his sanity, it was nice to go visit on occasion. Maybe they'd reconcile and move back in together some day. He shook his head  
'Face it Jack My boy, you're batshit insane'.  
'Says who?' teased a niggling little voice that Jack knew were his own thoughts  
'Says me.' He replied to himself.  
'You are.' He replied to himself replying to himself.  
'Stop that you two.'  
'Stop what?' said inner voice number one.  
'Make us' said inner voice number two.  
'Okay then I – wait a minute..'  
'What?'  
'Yeah, go on..'  
'Aren't we all Captain Jack Harkness?'  
'Um yes?  
'Grin.'  
'You actually said 'grin?'  
'Nope thought it, I'm a thought process, same as you two.'  
'He's got you there.'  
I' already knew that.'  
'I know that.'  
'And with tat said you two on behalf of Captains jack Harknesses.. Hellllllllooooo boys!'  
'And me!'  
'….. and girls.'  
Jack frowned,and rolling his eyes wondered where the blazes the personality facet that identified itself as Captain Jacqueline Harkness had formed from. Then he realised he didn’t actually care. He was going to a party only he was invited to. It was going to be crowded. 

{And I thought I was nuts!} (M)  
(She said to the guy who wrote this thing...) (A)

 

* * *  
In the Tower of London, the doctor sat, and wisps of steam curled from his cup of tea. His hands rested briefly on the workbench in front of him before He drummed his fingers across the table. He resumed trying to work out what it was about this face he wore.  
Pictures of people alive and dead, real and fictional were laid out in front of him. Caecillius in Pompeii, John Frobisher during Earth's disastrous handling of the visit from the 'Four-five-six' and the betrayal of Torchwood. He gave the unit members assigned to him dark looks. He was less than impressed with their showing from that incident. He was also fairly sure that it was then that Jack had started sliding into irretrievable madness. He heard something and looked up. A Young woman was standing there and she had said something he had missed, he was so mired in thought.  
“Could you repeat that please for the benefit of the impatient alien scientist with an ego the size of a small planetoid?” 

{which one of us could that POSSIBLY mean?} (A)  
(Every bloody one of you, now shush!) {Blinks} (A)

The corporal shook her head, “It doesn't matter.”The Doctor sat up right and with a piercing gaze replied.”Corporal. As you get to know me better, you will find that my ego always matters!” Then he switched from stern to smiling and winked at her. He turned his hands over to show palms   
and she realised that the Doctor wished for her to continue.  
“I said, I'm sorry.” The lilting South Walean Tones carried easily at this range.  
“What for?”  
“Only obeying orders during that.” She pointed at the picture of Frobisher and she looked embarrassed.  
“What should you have done Corporal?” The Doctor looked at her sternly.   
“Better sir. Somehow, someway I should have done better.”  
“But that would possibly mean you disobey orders.”  
“I have duty to do so if they're... wrong.”  
The Doctor's gaze was intense as he looked at her, then he smiled. “Corporal Jones, I think I finally feel back at home with UNIT.”  
“Sir?”  
“All I needed as a new Benton. Now, what is that thing you have for me there.”

{He did make good pies} (M)  
“It's a bit of a long story.” 

{And getting longer as I hijack it!} (M)

“It's only long for Time Lords if they regenerate partway though it.”  
Kate arrived before the Corporal could start though and without waiting, she turn on a television and motioned for the Doctor to pay attention. The screen flared into life and repeats were showing. This one the Doctor paid rapt attention to as soon as the credits came up for 'breaking bad ' aired.  
The Doctor strummed his fingers against the tabletop again, in time to the first bars of this piece of music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6z4KK7RWjmk. Then he froze on realising what he had done. Was Missy trying to contact him?

***

{Oh so that was you being a smart arse then eh?} (M)

 

***  
Missy smiled. She'd done it. After clearing her head, she'd managed to suppress her fear and anger at being alone. The Freak didn't count. She went to check on him and found him with a little map with stones with Teletubby names carved into them. She bent down to inspect them further, fairly sure that she would regret it. The problem was that if she didn't do so now, she was fairly sure that she would only end up regretting it more.  
Then she saw the map, under each little named rock. There were little nations with borders, each about six feet long by four feet wide. Each named nation matched a teletubby name. Missy groaned when she saw that Jack was snoring his head off in La-la land. She turned and strode off. She tapped her chin thoughtfully, in time with Beethoven. Then she froze on realising what she done. Was the Doctor trying to contact her?

 

Beethoven - Symphony No. 5 (FULL)  
Fan page: http://www.facebook.com/9Beethoven 1 First movement: Allegro con brio 2 Second movement: Andante con moto (click: 7:28) 3 Third movement: Scherzo. ...  
Missyfit

(Now with added cameos!)

The Doctor stared at his fingers then shaking it off he strode over to the time telegraph, whilst still sparing a glance at the television. The communications device was switched off. He whirled on the spot. Corporal Rhonda Jones for her part, came to an abrupt stop and brought both feet together in military fashion almost as though her old sergeant had called 'shun!”  
The Doctor looked at her more carefully then his neck head turned, making the UNIT soldier think of an owl, the Doctor was fast. that Kate nodded sharply.

“Corporal Jones,' began Kate, ' 'You were transferred here for a reason. Tell him why. On the double.”“Yes mam.”  
The Doctor's head tilted and everyone was now well aware that the man who could talk was doing something else he did so damned well. He was listening.  
Corporal Jones took a breath and then commenced“I was stationed down in the Rhondda Valley in south Wales when an archeological dig went very wrong. Shortly after that, we became stretched with an incursion event and I was left on guard of the dig site with some irregulars.”  
The Doctor nodded, he understood that with the number of times that this planet found itself threatened, UNIT could not hope to be everywhere. “Carry on Corporal.” 

{Well, There's the name for UNIT's documentary!} (M)

 

The young UNIT soldier smiled at this before replying “Sometimes it does seem like a biography of my life would actually seem like one of those films sir.”  
“I can sympathise. But please tell me about the dig.”  
“Well, I thought Torchwood would be asked to help or some off duty personnel. It was neither, instead I ended up meeting with three civilian allies accompanied by precisely one UNIT Sergeant; Wilson by name.  
The Doctor looked at her. “So, Corporal Jones, you and Sergeant Wilson teamed up then?” 

(Wilson?) (M)  
(Hi!) (DP)  
(Sod off Wade!) (A)(M) 

“Sort of and sort of not. As such as we sympathised with each other about or name and rank-” 

Fine. I'm off, Nyah... (DP)

Kate Stewart stopped as soon as she said that and looked at Jones “ Oh, now I get it.”  
The Corporal gave her a long suffering look and said simply. “Yes well, please lose it again quickly mam.”  
The Doctor coughed to regain her attention. “Tell me about this assignment Corporal.”  
“Aye si-, I mean Doctor. We had captain Yate's grand daughter on site, as well as some woman from the 22nd century. And a Doctor Richards a rather charming, if naive, gentleman and scholar.  
The Doctor was staring at her so intently now that she almost flinched. She had to wonder what it was that had him clenching his fists.  
“Sasha Yates....”  
“What about her, Doctor?” Kate asked and passed him a new cup of tea and a sandwich. His first tea had cooled off and his plate was empty. The Corporal gave her a dubious look and Kate shrugged as if to say, I'll make sandwiches for anyone I feel like. Then she passed a second cup and a BMEM (Bacon Egg and More Bacon) sandwich to Rhondda.  
“Sasha Yates, Corporal, has been in my presence just enough to have gained some temporal run off. A woman from the 22nd century will have knowledge of Time Travel and few alterations making such journeys easier... Kate Stewart, why are you suddenly looking very sheepish over there.” 

Idiots. (TR)  
You said it. (ROM)  
I hate it when I'm forced to agree with you three...You Stay there! ) (Doc.)  
(Yes Mr. president, have a salute!) (M)  
(I'll call Jack over, you know he's like a puppy around me!) (Doc)

All of you behave! Or I'll make all of you watch the 1997 Dr who Movie... and if that doesn't work, I'll write a sequel! Huh, they're all deathly quiet now. Even the Doctor.... (A)

 

* * *  
Missy glared at her treacherous fingers, the tune troubling her and she searched for a loudspeaker. When she didn't find one, she attuned her mind once more to her surroundings and let her consciousness expand across the telepathic mind scape.  
'Jack grinned at her. You don't get it do you? That's what Torchwood was for. To do the things the doctor won't or simply can't do. To cross those lines in his place. Lethbridge Stewart proved there was a place for that.  
“Ugh.” Missy's face twisted into a scowl as she voiced her heartfelt irritation at that man. “That meddling old fart. He never could catch me.”  
Jack blinked and then he frowned. She really doesn't know... This is great, should I tell her?   
'Nope.  
'I concur, definitely not.'  
'So much more pay off when she realises for herself, whoever the hell she is.'  
'But boys, that means any chance of bedding her will go out the window'  
'Alright, which one of me said that?'  
"Me, Jackie, your inner lesbian.”  
“Inner? You're no use to me in there my girl!”  
"No use to you out there either, lesbian remember."  
“Then, when you escape, bring that gender switch device will you?”  
"Okay, I've always been curious about being male anyway.” 

(So that's where he sent my gun.) (TR)  
No. Stay. (Rom)  
It stays put. (Doc)

 

Missy was looking at him(Jack) with disgust. She hated him on multiple levels. If she couldn't for some reason do that, then one day, she pledged that she would find a multi storey car park and press every floor just so she could. “Tell me you freak, who are you talking to and do you ever stop?” 

(That's rich coming from you Bananas girl.) (Doc)  
Shut it Prez boy. (M)

Jack stopped, long unused logic centres flared and he stared at Missy. Freak? There was something abut the word and this woman's tone that triggered memories. He just wished he could remember them. Then resigned himself to losing the thread once.  
“Stop?”Asked a confounded Jack. “Why would I ever want to stop?”  
“Because you don't want me slamming the pointy end of my umbrella with force into your rather prized Tinky Winky!”  
Jack stopped. 

Really? That was the best line you could come up with? (Doc)  
Hey! HE wrote it for me! (M)  
Oh, shut up. And they did.(author powers for the win... probs gonna regret it. (A)

* * *

Usha travelled the halls of the capitol, Romana striding along side him, heading for the Tardis bay. Force fields raised as they went, blocking the guards despatched to stop them. They had made an appointment to see the Keeper but halfway through Usha had grabbed Romana's wrist and pulled her into a corner. 

(Sit back you two. Matrix upgrades... seriously.) (TR)

She had eyed him with irritation.  
As Usha let go, Romana flexed her wrist. “Look if you have a secret plan why not simply mind transfer it. This little display makes it look like you want to ravish me.” 

(No one with brains thinks that.) (Doc)  
(Nope.) (M)  
(Oi! (Rom)  
(Hey, Those two just agreed...) (TR)

“Anyone who grabs anyone for that purpose like I grabbed you is an evolutionary dead end. If you 'just grab them', you deserve knee in the crotch or a brick in the head.”  
“Your opinion of people that do is is very low right?”  
“Very. Now in answer to your query, The High council is snooping on High command and vice versa. Guess which mode of information exchange is most compromised right now?”  
“I See.”  
“So I'm stealing one of the doctor's plans. I am also making sure you're paying full attention.”  
“By pronouncing the Doctor's title with a lower case 'd'.”  
“Good,you are paying attention. I haven't been smelting unused and damaged Tardis parts, I've been storing them and rigging as many of them as possible for a stationary, tempo-lateral non departing escape.”  
“Whatever that means.”  
“So there's science behind it alright? I just thought I'd indulge in some egocentric techno babble."  
"Trying to make me feel like it's old times hmm?"  
Usha's expression seemed neutral, unless you were fast enough to see the humorous glint in the eyes. Romana was fast enough. 

 

(See how he's still correcting Typos? (m)  
(Yes, I do.) (Doc)  
(So many of them.) (Rom)  
(He really should have caught them all first time!) (TR)  
(And I'm still at it even modifying this document for A03!) (A)

(and now he;s doing it for fanfiction.net... 24/2/16... heh, that should confuse the Americans...)

 

* * *

“So, according to Doctor Richards and Miss Yates, that's about when the Vardans turned up...”  
“Where had they come from?” asked the Doctor.  
“Apparently they had been defeated by the 'intellectual might of the Sontaran empire', and had decide to um, politely invade Earth... I think Doctor Richards called them a better class of invader.”  
The Doctor rubbed his head. Listening to the Corporal (Rhondda) tell her story hurt his head. So far he'd heard about professor 'Restram Wen', and completely normal day out in Manchester, on a number Forty Three bus (change at the airport of the rest of the world) and it didn't sound like things were going to start sounding any better. Once Rhondda mentioned the four auxiliaries had been bribed to test out UNIT's newly 'restored' Temporal manipulator and were last seen bouncing along the Doctors own Time Line, he knew that it.

* * *

Latveria

“RICCCCHARRRRRRRDDDDDSSSSS!!!!”  
“Um, Yes. Can I help you old chap?” The rather aged seeming professor leaned on his cane as Alice just threw up her arms. This was getting repetitive. Firsts time lost, now dimensionally lost. Sasha continued reading her comic book even as her long suffering bodyguard, Sgt Wilson shielded her.  
The green caped armoured man replete with face covering mask with menacing eye slits paused very briefly. “Very well then the spell brought me Richards, not the one I want but DOOM shall learn from this. Now surrender the device or die!”   
“Not to someone as rude as you no. So, Nyah.” Doctor Richards *harrumphed”at Doctor Doom as his only response.

Doom's response was to raise an arm slowly and Sasha could feel his gloating and knew the gauntlet housed weaponry. She looked down at her comic and then up, then back down. And as the Gauntlet crackled and Dr. Richards frantically keyed in a set of number he hoped would take them anywhere else, Sasha threw her comic. And if she had playing with dice for any reason they would have come up double six. The comic book hit DOOM between the eyes. Then the Vortex manipulator went off with a crack.  
Thin air replaced intruders and DOOM placed the interlopers on his Bucket list, In his case it was who he was going to make Kick the bucket, and the four (He blinked, what was with that damned number anyway) travellers were at place number six hundred and sixteen. He picked up the offending comic book that spoiled his aim and took note of the cover. The accompanying scream or rage was heard across Latveria. Squirrel Girl, Issue Fifty did not survive.

Told ya so! (Deadpool) 

Oh great he's modified his own entry to go full name... Everyone! Get him!

Laser screwdriver to the rescue! (M)

Transmat bracelet set to forced porting! (Rom)

Remove vortex manipulator online! (TR)

Would you like a lift home? (Doc)

Yes please and thank you. And by the way Wolverine is jealous, You regenerate better! (Wade 'Deadpopl' Wilson).

Vworp... shugga shugga. Vworp, shugga shugga...(DP) (In little yellow boxes since I can't colour this like the original) (A)

You're writing his Tardis take off sounds now? as voiced by Deadpool? Really Iain, you get worse. (M)

My Fan fic charcters have infected me... (A)

 

 

***

She was angry again. This was the umpteenth circuit of the structure she currently inhabited. So far she could find nothing to give her so much of a hint as how to exit. She was trapped in an inescapable prison: Again. She was going to have do something no sane man would do. So it really was good job that she was currently an insane woman.  
Turning that thought around in her head made her feel better as she went to work. There was a challenge ahead and if she couldn't beat the unbeatable she wouldn't truly be her. There was a clattering that went on for a few minutes as she emptied her hand bag.  
“Marvellous!” Missy's eyes brightened as one of the last things out was her purse. Then was a clattering that went on for a few minutes ashe she emptied her purse.  
“So what are you- wow. How'd ya managed that?”  
“Bigger on the inside freak.”  
“Oh you mean like a Time Lord-” The way Jack stopped put Missy in mind of the Doctor seeing yet another Dalek escape after her old friend thought 'he'd put them down for good this time damnit!' Only due to being distracted did she not immediately realise why.  
“It's you, isn't it?” Jack whispered. Then he growled. “It bloody well is you! He trapped you at last. Lethbridge Stewart finally contains the Master!”  
Missy stared at him and had her own moment of realisation. The dead had risen, all of them. She'd been hit by a beam... The Brigadier! This meant he’d beaten her Twice! 

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!) (M)  
(You Ham) Rasssp... (A)

Realising that she been teleported away by him had been bad enough but this as well? She screamed for good long time repeatedly. Jack watched, more content than he had been in a very long time. Missy turned, her gaze fixed on the only possible outlet for her fury. Snarling she advanced and swung a decent punch. It connected with a crack on an off balance Jack. She sneered but it was short lived as Jack replied by head butting her.  
“You hit me! I'm a woman!”  
“You're the master! And what's been a woman got to do with it?” Jack was honestly confused by the comment.  
“That's Master damn you! And It was worth a try. Would've worked on loads this century freak.” 

(See? Master!) (M)

“I spent four hundred years on Amazonia six.” Jack circled, keeping Missy in view.  
“Only women are allowed on that planet.” Said Missy.

Such fond memories (Rom)

“Blame the Rani.” 

oopsy... (TR)

* * *

“What is it, Raja?”  
“My upgraded Tardis, stripped down into little belt pouches over two hundred years and then rebuilt and reconfigured here.”  
“Which means we get a serious temporal jump start due to a combination of external factors.  
“All of which are being linked via my genius.”  
“Well yes, Raja, but I thought your genius was a foregone conclusion.”  
The Raja smiled, genuinely content with Romana Six's company. She'd been quite sensible with her incarnations it seemed. He'd checked the record about them and it showed her progress, from stagnant aristocratic fool that represented the Time Lords so well once upon a time, to renegade do-gooder traveller, followed by a hard bitten President that advised her future self, the General.

(What a bitch!) (Rom)

She had been crossing her own time stream in defense of Gallifrey. having picked up that little trick from the Doctor. For her seventh incarnation, she'd gone for a mix of as much as the good stuff from her previous selves that she could retain, including a somewhat neutral scientific nature. And for some reason the ability to double her thinking speed if she ate some sugary confection that seemed almost people shaped. The Raja had no no idea what they were but was sure The Doctor was somehow to blame.

Not even slightly surprised here. (TR)

The Rani shook his head. It was a curiosity the way she affected his thinking. He found himself changing and crossing less moral boundaries, mostly to simply stop people interfering. Romana had never prevented him from crossing those boundaries in this incarnation. If he crossed them, he crossed them, but he did note that she always challenged him. He smiled for he knew that her little ploy was to get him to see being successful morally as the greater challenge and relying on his own ego to do the rest.  
“So, You see my dear, when we take off, the Moment of Time we are preserved within will react like water which if you hit it too hard you shatter against but if you hit it just like a diver hits it it parts briefly then closes in behind you.”  
He paused and tapped his chin, “There of course consequences such as a reverberation throughout time itself and anyone who is temporally aware will know that something has happened and the more aware they are...”  
Romana nodded, “..the more they understand what has happened. I see, well then, the faster and smoother we make this happen, the better.”  
“And if we can’t make it that way for everyone, then what?”  
“Our Priority is escape. Then we stabilise and adapt plans.  
Planning for the unknown and without salient information is the art of a madman.”  
“Like the doctor.”  
“That’s ‘Doctor’ and you know it full well raja, so stop that .” Romana smiled, she knew he was only being slightly insulting to her old mentor.  
“Oh, if you insist, romana…”  
“I do, ushas…”  
“Har har har.”  
“Agreed, now, why don’t we get back to escaping like sane people would?"  
"Sane? Us?" 

(I agree wholeheartedly.) (M)

 

Less than five minutes later alarms were blaring across the capitol as an illegal launch was detected and a strange looking Tardis spun at speed and in a crazy seeming angle towards the only crack in the temporal bubble that the Doctor had stored Gallifrey in.  
The Keeper of the matrix looked on and prevented any military intervention. she smiled and began her final regeneration sequence. But instead of renewing herself she let it form a shield around The escaping Tardis and the buffer was enough. The shield she’d erected to stop Capitol security collapsed but it was pointless, she had already released her own mortality to the matrix. Now she could finally rest.  
The Raja grunted as he held his Tardis on course even as he felt the waves of time part and reform around him as they readied themselves for re entry to the normal space Time continuum.  
“Brace yourself!”  
* * *  
“Okay freak, we can't stand each other and killing each other is a complete waste of effort, so let's just mark out territory like you did here with these creepy little Teletubbies...” Missy sighed, she was evil and insane but as far as she was concerned nothing excused the existence of Teletubbies. She's right. Evolutionary degradation. Crap Telly.  
Jack grinned, “Hah you're already not allowed over here well not unless unless you’ve had a drink, Because that's Dipsy land.”  
She hurled her umbrella at his head. She was accurate. Then all thoughts fled from her mind as she felt a familiar tug in her Temporal cortex and she reached out to the freak to enhance the connection.  
“Jack harkness alert! All Hands on deck! Missy attempting escape!  
“Captain Jack Harkness Reporting in!  
“Captain Jack Harkness Reporting in!”  
“Captain Jack Harkness Reporting in!  
“Captain Jackie Harkness reporting in!”  
“Batman Jack reporting in!”  
“Hey man, not seen you since childhood!”  
“Ahem, I feel cheated if you don’t actually try to stop me escaping you know, So finish off your internal roll call and get on with trying and failing to stop me and fail. Oh and you inner child will now see you fight a woman. how sad.”  
“Jack prime to Jackie, You’re up!”  
“Yay, Mixed gender girlfight.”  
“I’ve changed our mind.”  
“Spoilsport.”  
And That was when the first temporal wave hit that Missy had sensed coming and had made damn sure Jack was distracted. Then she stepped forwards but when Jack punched her with an insanely gleeful smile, she stopped.  
“You weren’t supposed to do unless I did something actively violent or invasive!” she wiped her face  
“ Don’t start something you can’t finish!  
“I didn’t start this!”  
“Yes you did, you invaded Po-land!”  
Missy glared at him like only she could, It was dawning on her that he had been setting up that god awful pun since she’d arrived. He was also squaring up to stop her and she recalled that he too was Temporally sensitive; and stronger and faster than her. 

The teletubbies all just led up to a Monty Python based Pun... oh, Matrix upgrades with Human screwdrivers... (M)

* * *  
Elesewhere and when..

(and returning to the plot at speed!) (Doc)

The Doctor looked up at Corporal Jones. “So tell then young lady what will happened when they return to normal space time?” 

(Nice one Doctor. (Rom)  
(Show off.) (M)

“Well, apparently, according to our advisors, it’s like diving into water, you have to hit it right or it hurts. It’s like diving and causing a wave to form which then dissipates as it travels.The only problem would occur if someone did the same thing at the same, well, time.”  
“Because if that were to happen, then the waves would rebound off each other and there would be the equivalent of temporal flooding.”  
Kate looked at him, and asked, "but what would that mean?”  
“Well temporal containment units could be compromised, Fixed points would actually be slightly re-writable.”  
Kate stared at him and then cursed. “Oh hell..” 

(I think we have to return to plot Mate.) (TR)  
(Mate later, for now fly!)

* * *

The stricken Tardis had a hole in the side and the emergency shields had locked down. She was already regenerating and the holes were closing but so very slowly. But the atmosphere was pouring out and her passengers were on borrowed time.  
“Usha! I can’t hang on!”  
“Yes you can. Long enough for me to reach you!”  
“We won’t make it but if I let go maybe you can.”  
“If you believed that, you would already have let go.”  
“Oh, I have no desire to let go, just hoping you value my acquaintance long enough to think up an astounding rescue plan before I can’t physically maintain my grip.”  
“Answer my questions with yes or no and don’t ask any of you own.” The Raja had a glint in his eyes that meant he was redling his intellect. Romana therefore simply nodded.  
“Can you actually swim?”  
“Yes.”  
“Can you hold your breath for five minutes?”  
“Yes.”  
“Say hello to Earth’s pacific ocean for me would you, Right, Commencing emergency temporal Rematerialisation. It will hold for about three seconds. as soon as you see Blue you let go, clear?  
“Yes.”  
There was wheezing and groaning sound above the Pacific ocean and what appeared to be a metal Pterodactyl with wings outstretched burst into view above the US navy seventh fleet, which upon having their online systems recognise the apparition as a Tardis (courtesy of UNIT database protocols) gave the order ‘Emergency Brake’. Some of the crewmen swore blind later that they saw a woman detach from the side and fold into a high diving position. As it is, they were right.  
Romana plummeted and a few things were on her mind. First she called out telepathically, “So, I see you still like Dinosaurs then eh?” She felt the smile. The second thing on her mind was that the primal feel was a rush greater than adrenaline. she promised herself if she ever went back to Gallifrey correctly, she was going to spend time with Leela out in the wilderness of Gallifrey.  
The final thing on her mind… as she arched her body, spun around and hit the water, was looking good doing it. Then she held her breath, only her superior Gallifreyan conditioning allowing her to absorb all shocks and do so.  
Back on board his Tardis and swooping around to reduce velocity and also to return to Romana, the Raja inclined his head. He now had extra data, notably in that Humans could just about do this meant they were much hardier than some realised. Maybe he should try having one aboard and watch what they-  
Ah, now I see why he is so damn fond of this planet. he;s right, they are fascinating.  
The thoughts raced through his mind in order even as he multitasked effortlessly to retrieve Romana. He pulled her aboard and smiled as she came though, soaked but otherwise unharmed. It had been too close he thought so he decided to admit something that happened two incarnations ago.  
“I love you.”  
“I know. It’s why I changed to accomodate. I love you too.”   
“One plus one my dearest?”  
“Equals two my dearest.”

 

Excuse me a paragraph break a minute my dear vict... um...audience whilst I check on Missy 'K. She's throwing up a lot... (A)

* * *

As the second temporal wave crashed through into the main universe and Missy was surprised to realise that Jack wasn’t pressing an attack, Oh, she knew full well that even without him restraining her, she was hard pressed. This why she had simply sent out a telepathic call to any Time Lord that would help her escape and knowing full well that no one but herself would do so, she had decided upon the remaining option.

...A medium sized beard, quite distinguished, of the kind a university professor might grow. He looks up, hears the call, thinks back to recently when Omega had threatened Gallifrey, and he realises who is calling. The master departs.  
...Feline teeth, sinister yet somehow charming chuckle. That little laugh is employed now for though his old rival has left The Cheetah people's planet and taken that annoying girl with the baseball bat away. He has been left to his fate, once again unforeseen he has an escape route. The Master departs.  
...“Get out of my way.” Rassilon is there, his tormentor. He has the Doctor at his wit’s end. He can see the Doctor is going to fire. It’s his only option. This would be acceptable, but only from him. Hes going to stop Rassilon and help his friend (he misses him) as no one does that to the Doctor but him and he as a bone to pick with Rassilon himself. 

...He’s trapped now , Rassilon has prisoner, and there’s no way out… Oh, wait a minute, inescapable jail, of course there’s way out. Just bang the two inescapable prison's realities together.

The heroic and handsome Captain Jack Harkness stood up, paying rapt attention, realising what was going on- narrating bravely once -  
“Stop,” said the man with the university professor beard.  
“narrating,” sighed the catlike man with well groomed hair.  
“You tedious freaky Captain Scarlet wannabe,”   
“fool.” finished Missy perfectly suddenly remembering this conversation from three different time lines of her own.  
The Masters grinned at each other and just for good measure ‘Harold Saxon’ shot Jack Harkness.  
Missy sighed approvingly “Ah, good times. back when I was Prime Minister.”  
Harold Saxon grinned at her and high fived her but then he looked pensive. “True enough but I’m glad I’m not actually Prime Minister as you.”  
“Oh, really.You don’t think I’m good enough?”  
“You’re female. Remember the last time we had a female Prime Minister?”  
“Oh, so you don’t think women should be Prime Minister?” Missy’s voice was icy.  
Harold Saxon just splayed his hands. “Nah, I’m saying the last one was too good an act to follow.”  
“Oh, alright then.” 

(High Five! You got it!) (M)

There was a polite cough. Mr Unversity beard get their attention. “As amusing as it is to listen to my rather colourful future selves, I must remind you that the bubble will burst in less than a minute so may I suggest we all link hands?”  
“Then of course we shall all pop in to the Tower of London to visit an old friend.”  
“We do go through there on the way. Let us all be sure to wave to our old classmate then?  
“Missy?”  
“Prime Minister?”  
“Fancy a snog when we get there?That’ll really mess with his head.”  
“Brilliant idea! sometimes I really surprise yourself!”  
“Yes you do, don’t I?”  
‘Jack Harkness really wished he hadn’t revived just in time to hear that. Idly he wondered if it counted as Mast-’  
-Bamph! (Stitch that Marvel, I’m using a different spelling!) was quite loud, and with it reality imploded where the Master/Mistress (Mattress just doesn't merge them right...) had been before. 

* * *  
The Doctor was annoyed, he’d been enjoying that sandwich. and not only had the master/Mistress mess with his head, she’s stolen his BEMB sandwich. That he could tolerate but his favourite tea cup? The Master drove at high speed up the M1 with the Mistress navigating, meanwhile the Master navigated and the Master sat in the back watching. What he was watching was a Yellow classic car kept pace with them with the Number plate reading ‘Bessie’. Oh well, at least it wasn’t that Mechano monstrosity, The who Mobile’.  
Epilogue

Jack looked at the empty space and sighed. Ah well. escaped again. This wasn’t exactly surprising. What did surprise him was when Owen harper walked round the corner talking with Ianto Jones. Both looked confused. a phone rang. It was Owen’s. He answered Toshiko Jones.  
“Yeah, I know, back from the dead and all that, Tea boy’s here with me too.”  
“Owen...”  
”Ianto?”  
“Jack?  
“I've got to go Tosh, the raging woofters are at it again. I gotta break out the crowbar.”  
“I’m home. I’m finally home.” And all of Jack Harkness agreed with himself as he embrtaced Ianto.

Time can be rewritten; Nothing is fixed.

As proven by your friendly neighbourhood bananas girl! *chuckle* (Missy)


End file.
